And I have no clue how I'm supposed to feel about it.
She's physically fine (well, not really but it's not the reason she's in hospital), which could be a part of the reason I'm having trouble knowing what to feel. Offically, my Nana suffers from Dementia. There might be an underlying mental issue but it's not been diagnosed and it's too late to tell because of the Dementia. It causes her to be really paranoid, often cruel, forgetful (ten calls a day to ask the same three things...) and just really hard to have a conversation with.
Anyway. A week and a bit ago, she threatened to jump off the balcony of her nursing home. The nurses had her hospitalised. She's been moved from one hospital to another and is looking to move to a different nursing home capable of caring for her once they sort her medication out and a place is available.
And I don't know how to feel about it.
This is not the first time she's been hospitalised for talking of suicide. It's not even the second time she's talked of killing herself. Mum is stressed beyond belief but I'm just...not caring? I'm beyond caring at some points. She's still my Nana, I still love her but I'm tired of her drama. Even though I know it's not her fault, I'm tired of it all the same.
A part of me just wants it to end, one way or the other.
Another part wants my Nana back. Not this woman who hates my Mum and is barely functioning as a person. My Nana who we visited as kids and was a loving, generous woman (Though fond of complaining).
And a selfish part of me doesn't care what she's like, just wants to know she's still there. I don't want her to go, she's a constant in my life and I really don't want to lose it. Like I said before, physically she's not in that much danger but there's signs she's lost the will to lie (signs like her saying it) so this might not be the case for much longer.
Hence not knowing what to feel.
