I realise I've not posted much on here about the last oh, two or three months of my exchange. In fact I've barely posted anything on it for two main reasons. 1) I was too busy living it and I SUCK at keeping a diary, even an online one; and 2) I've had to think over one of the more major things that happened that I've barely talked about to anyone.
Namely the thing where I basically, kinda, nearly, had a boyfriend.
It's been tough to sort out. Firstly, we were good friends. Very good friends, having lunch every Wednesday. I miss our lunches so so much; they were a major feature of my week. We'd talk for hours on whatever topic we liked usually only leaving because it was dark and I had to walk the twenty minutes or so home. He was definitely one of the two close friends I made on exchange (the fact that the other one was also male has only added to my following confusion).
But I don't know if I actually liked him like that. I know he liked me like that- he pulled me aside (in an overly dramatic fashion on a day we weren't scheduled to see another) to admit that he thought I was hot and if I hadn't been an exchange student, he'd have asked me out. It was a very very nice thing to hear.
At the time, I told him I would have accepted if he had asked me out. It's still true; I would have said yes. I suppose that must mean I do (or did) like him like that but... it's kinda hard. I don't do sexual attraction so there's none of that. He's very cute (if young- about my brother's age!) and I really do like him. But like I said before, I had another male close friend in Exeter and well... there's not much difference in the way I feel about these two guys. Only the second guy lives in Sydney and goes to my uni.
But I never invited the second guy to my room for drinks like I did Exeter guy (nothing happened! Jeez =P) and I didn't cry when I said goodbye... admittedly I was going to see second guy again but I miss this guy more. I know we couldn't work out because he's not willing to do long distance...and neither am I. There's an element of logic in my thoughts that was always there so I'm also kinda wondering if that helped- if knowing that I couldn't do a relationship stopped me even allowing myself to consider the possibility. After all, I didn't even think about romance until he admitted he thought I was hot. Well, I mostly didn't think about romance.
Urgh. I'm confused. There's a major reason I'm not bothered with romance and it's because it's so CONFUSING. If only this was a story and I could write the damned ending!
Also I need to sort through photos. There's so many photos...
I wanted to bring this up when we met but couldn't, cos someone was too busy being FAST :P
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, this whole thing doesn't really sound that confusing. It's complicated, that's for sure, but if you liked him as a person, and would've said yes if he'd asked you out, that's a pretty clear sign you were crushing on him at least a *little*. Sex and/or romance don't need to come into it; it's more about how you feel than the thoughts that go through your head. Even if it took him telling you he thought you were hot to 'unlock' or 'reveal' those feelings, they were still there the whole time, even if they weren't as intense. That's how I felt about Razz towards the beginning: at first, I was like "eh she's kinda cool, I guess", but she grew on me over time as I got to know her. It wasn't like the last girl I asked out, who hit me like a ton of bricks the moment I saw her -- sometimes, the feelings only come out under certain conditions.
I also don't know what you mean by 'romance', cos it means different things to different people. To you, it could mean just the thought of you two as an item, going on dates, physical [non-sexual] affection -- any number of things. So I don't wanna be too presumptuous as to what went through your head, but if the thought of going out with him appealed to you, it's fair to say attraction was there in some form.
As for if you made the right decision not pursuing it, you definitely avoided a lot of emotional distress there. It's fair to say you probably would've had a lot to work through if you'd started anything while you were over there, and not pursued it as an LDR once you were back here. "Are we still an item? If I meet another guy here, can I go out with him, or is that wrong? Will he see other girls while he's over there? Will our feelings for each other have changed if/when I go back?" Would've been exciting while it lasted, definitely, but it's 100% understandable why you both dodged it given the circumstances.
Having said all this (and hoping I'm not being too presumptuous; please tell me if I am), don't let the confusion stop you from pursuing your feelings for someone. In this case, the situation wasn't conducive for a good long-term outcome. But if, in future, you have feelings for a guy, and there aren't any circumstantial issues in the way, act on those feelings! Yes, romance and dating and boyfriends can be complicated, and rejection can be hurtful, but it's worth it when you find the right person. It's especially true when you find someone like the guy you're describing, cos he was (is?) clearly a good friend to you, and not just some asshole trying to get into your pants. No need to actively pursue a guy if you don't want to, but if you like the thought of going out with a guy, fuck it, let him know :)
And trust me, guys like it when chicks make the first move, cos we *always* have to fucking do it and it makes us mad :P Doesn't guarantee anything, of course, but if he reciprocates, he'll be *so* pleased you took the incentive :P
Of course I was. Someone had to be! =P
DeleteIt's confusing for me at least. I always said that I don't quite get the thing everyone talks about for romance... My experience isn't quite the same and because of that I don't know how much is me actually feeling something like this or talking myself into feeling it because that's what I'm supposed to feel. According to society. Which is shit. But that does sound logical and clever... but still confusing and complicated.
Probably? Romance is... something I can't define. It's urgh. Friendship but with more kissing. Maybe. I don't know. Something.
Oh yes. I knew that- it's mostly been me missing him a looot that's made me doubt it a bit. But I /knew/ It wasn't going to work and was going to hurt us more if we tried. Especially as I'm fairly sure I /can't/ go back for at least a year as part of the terms of the Student Visitor Visa.
You're not being presumptuous. I did put this out here for comment after all! Oh I hope to but I'm also stupidly obvious to people's feelings about me if I missed this guy liking me until he told me (though I suddenly realised it might be an option the day he told me because of the way he contacted me to ask to meet...). Is. Is clearly a good friend- we're keeping in contact just not being anything more than friends.
Lol. Well don't expect me to do it. I'm amazed people are my friend without pushing for more; I'd wait forever to say something like that! =P
Not knowing what 'romance' is makes sense given you haven't experienced it first-hand before. If someone asked me what I thought was romantic before I dated Razz, I would've been similarly hard-pressed giving an answer. I sure as hell hadn't seen my parents be romantic, so what basis did I have? While I was never really 'confused' (cos I never gave it much thought), I did develop a pretty good idea of what I found romantic while dating Razz, simply by learning what made me feel good. Cuddling would be the best example: I didn't even think of cuddling as a romantic thing at all until we started going out. But one day, we must have hugged for way longer than usual, and at some point, I must have thought "hey, this... this feels awesome! It's so warm and intimate. I'm gonna do this all the time cos I really like it :D". It's very much an experimental and experiential process, cos it's the kind of thing you can't really know until you *do* it.
Delete"Friendship with more kissing" sounds sorta like what I think of when I think romance, but without the fucking. There *is* more to it than that, but again, that's the kind of thing you discover when you actually experience it for yourself. The way you feel with your significant other is different to the way you feel when you're with a friend; it's a much closer bond. And granted, all I have to go off is a high-school relationship, but even then, it was different being with Razz than being with other friends. It's not super-duper different, especially when you've been with them for a while (cos you get used to it), but yeah, there are definitely differences beyond just physical affection.
Not picking up signals is something heaps of people have problems with. I wouldn't have a fucking clue if any girls in my classes or anything like me: partially cos I presume they don't anyway, and partially because I don't know what it would look like. There was a girl in one of my classes last year who talked to me... differently. Like, she'd talk to her friend across the table normally, but then talk to me in a very cheery, smiley way. If she did like me, I didn't reciprocate, but to this day, I'm like "...did she like me? Was she crushing on me? Or was I just seeing things that weren't there? I have no fucking idea." She'd have had better luck with a cardboard sign that said "you're cute/hot/interesting/funny. Wanna go out?" because ambiguity does nothing but make me go insane, and many guys feel similarly. Guys are also way worse at hiding their feelings than chicks are, so you've got that going for you -- doesn't mean it's easy, but it does mean it's easi*er* :P
But if all else fails, if you like a guy and you don't know if he likes you, ask him out -- it's the fastest way to get an answer. It can be tempting to look for signs and stuff cos it's a way of stalling for time, evaluating the situation to try and calculate what the person's answer will be in advance. But it's way quicker to just ask a person directly if they'll go out with you, cos then they're forced to give an honest answer (or, if they're an asshat, a dishonest excuse that will still clearly mean 'no' :P). And I know it's hard, trust me, but when you really like someone, the risk is worth it.
And no I am definitely not up at 3:30 am, why would you even accuse me of that >.>