It Happened

I'm 21.

I know it shouldn't be a huge deal; it's just another year. But I lived so long believing I wouldn't reach my 18th birthday that to reach my 21st is just beyond comprehension. I don't feel older or different...

But I'm alive. I made it. Go me.

It's also kinda bitter for me that Nana isn't here. While I am...not happy but relieved maybe, that she's not suffering anymore, it had always been a fact of life for me that if I lived to see 21, she would be there for it. She was a fact of life and it's still sinking in that she's not here to be a fact anymore. Even when my parents (and her and Grandma) had said their being here to see this day was unlikely, I'd always figured they were being silly.

Guess they weren't.

Grandma is still here. She wasn't at my birthday dinner as I wasn't subjecting anyone including her to that experience but I did drop in on her today. ...Mostly because she was driving Dad nuts every moment I spent away from her but I did see her. She made it.

Though the rate she's going someone I love will kill her before my brother's 21st. Twenty minutes is not an hour and fifteen calls in a day is not reasonable. Dementia is evil.

But anyway. Today was good and I have enough keys to open any door...well any tiny lock at least.

Emotional Yoyo

My Nana had a stroke this morning.

Today, after spending hours with her, my Dad told my brother and I to prepare for the worst then took Mum, Nana's daughter, out for coffee while we did the shopping.

Nana has lost control over the left side of her body. She can talk but not swallow, and well it's not like she was making a lot of sense talking before this stroke with the dementia. While she might improve, she might not and that's what we're preparing for.

I woke up so excited this morning and I'm still excited when I think about it. But it's so weird to have people congratulate you when you're seriously upset.

Here We Go Again...

So the day before yesterday my Mum told me some bad news, and then Dad confirmed it yesterday and added even more bad news to it- about my grandmother (who is my Grandma and not the woman currently in a nursing home due to Dementia)

My Grandma has both Cardio-Vascular Dementia and early onset of Alzheimer's disease.  The first one is pretty awful, it basically means that she's at a high risk of dying and there's bugger all they can do for her- the operation to help her is more risky than the disease itself. But there's no timeline for it, she could die tomorrow or live until her 100's. It's just more risk.

It's the Alzheimer's that is mostly upsetting me. I don't remember him, but I've heard stories of my Poppy and what the family went through when he had Alzheimer's. It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't fun and it took a lot out of everyone. By the end of his life, he didn't remember most of his children, including my mother and only randomly remembered one of his granddaughters. As I was two when he died, I doubt he even realised my brother and I existed or if he did I doubt he realised who we were to him. But for the most part, what happened to him is a sad story for me, not a reality.

Grandma will be a reality. I remember staying the nights with her, I remember visits with her and how she speaks, how she lives, what it's like to be loved by her. I know her and the thought of what happened to Poppy happening to her terrifies me. Alzheimer's progresses over a looong period of time, it's just a awful and slow process of losing a loved one.

A part of me is also worried about my travel plans, how this might effect them and then feeling guilty for even worrying about those. There is a plan in place for me regarding if something happens to Nana, for whom there is also fears regarding health. It will have to apply to Grandma too...

For now, it's mostly a minor problem. The people who run all the aged care services and Grandma's doctors are keeping her at home so it's mostly a thing to worry about in the future. But it's a future I don't find myself looking forward too.

I once said that both my grandmothers were going to live to see my 21st. I wonder if that was a good thing, or a bad thing?

Morbid Thoughts

I've not posted in a while. Mostly because I'm the most productive when I have other things to do and being on holidays meant I had nothing else to do; but also recently because my Nana was hospitalised.

And I have no clue how I'm supposed to feel about it.

She's physically fine (well, not really but it's not the reason she's in hospital), which could be a part of the reason I'm having trouble knowing what to feel. Offically, my Nana suffers from Dementia. There might be an underlying mental issue but it's not been diagnosed and it's too late to tell because of the Dementia. It causes her to be really paranoid, often cruel, forgetful (ten calls a day to ask the same three things...) and just really hard to have a conversation with.

Anyway. A week and a bit ago, she threatened to jump off the balcony of her nursing home. The nurses had her hospitalised. She's been moved from one hospital to another and is looking to move to a different nursing home capable of caring for her once they sort her medication out and a place is available.

And I don't know how to feel about it.

This is not the first time she's been hospitalised for talking of suicide. It's not even the second time she's talked of killing herself. Mum is stressed beyond belief but I'm just...not caring? I'm beyond caring at some points. She's still my Nana, I still love her but I'm tired of her drama. Even though I know it's not her fault, I'm tired of it all the same.

A part of me just wants it to end, one way or the other.

Another part wants my Nana back. Not this woman who hates my Mum and is barely functioning as a person. My Nana who we visited as kids and was a loving, generous woman (Though fond of complaining).

And a selfish part of me doesn't care what she's like, just wants to know she's still there. I don't want her to go, she's a constant in my life and I really don't want to lose it. Like I said before, physically she's not in that much danger but there's signs she's lost the will to lie (signs like her saying it) so this might not be the case for much longer.

Hence not knowing what to feel.

(I wonder if I'm even supposed to know what to feel)