I realise I've not posted much on here about the last oh, two or three months of my exchange. In fact I've barely posted anything on it for two main reasons. 1) I was too busy living it and I SUCK at keeping a diary, even an online one; and 2) I've had to think over one of the more major things that happened that I've barely talked about to anyone.
Namely the thing where I basically, kinda, nearly, had a boyfriend.
It's been tough to sort out. Firstly, we were good friends. Very good friends, having lunch every Wednesday. I miss our lunches so so much; they were a major feature of my week. We'd talk for hours on whatever topic we liked usually only leaving because it was dark and I had to walk the twenty minutes or so home. He was definitely one of the two close friends I made on exchange (the fact that the other one was also male has only added to my following confusion).
But I don't know if I actually liked him like that. I know he liked me like that- he pulled me aside (in an overly dramatic fashion on a day we weren't scheduled to see another) to admit that he thought I was hot and if I hadn't been an exchange student, he'd have asked me out. It was a very very nice thing to hear.
At the time, I told him I would have accepted if he had asked me out. It's still true; I would have said yes. I suppose that must mean I do (or did) like him like that but... it's kinda hard. I don't do sexual attraction so there's none of that. He's very cute (if young- about my brother's age!) and I really do like him. But like I said before, I had another male close friend in Exeter and well... there's not much difference in the way I feel about these two guys. Only the second guy lives in Sydney and goes to my uni.
But I never invited the second guy to my room for drinks like I did Exeter guy (nothing happened! Jeez =P) and I didn't cry when I said goodbye... admittedly I was going to see second guy again but I miss this guy more. I know we couldn't work out because he's not willing to do long distance...and neither am I. There's an element of logic in my thoughts that was always there so I'm also kinda wondering if that helped- if knowing that I couldn't do a relationship stopped me even allowing myself to consider the possibility. After all, I didn't even think about romance until he admitted he thought I was hot. Well, I mostly didn't think about romance.
Urgh. I'm confused. There's a major reason I'm not bothered with romance and it's because it's so CONFUSING. If only this was a story and I could write the damned ending!
Also I need to sort through photos. There's so many photos...
Showing posts with label Exchange. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Exchange. Show all posts
Monday, 16 March 2015
Thursday, 25 December 2014
Merry Christmas!
I managed it. My first (and hopefully only) Christmas away from my family and friends- even the ones I've made in Exeter have gone home for the holidays and I refuse to intrude on anyone's holiday. I was going to say alone but I didn't spend the day alone; I walked up to the uni for Christmas lunch and met a load load of nice people wit whom I played games all afternoon (it turns out Buckaroo is ridiculous; Keplunk make me feel like a little kid; and Old Maid has a load of names, so much so that it took us looking up the instructions in three languages to realise what game we all meant).
That's not saying I didn't miss my family. I nearly cried when calling them at 6am their Christmas morning; and only the frustration at my uncle playing silly buggers with his internet during the lunchtime Skype call stopped me even getting that close. Two of my friends here gave me presents so I did have something to unwrap (more than I might have if I'd been home to be honest) and the lunch thing sent me home with a small gift (really a rather large possibly fancy and probably Italian cake).
I came home to listen to Christmas Cabin Pressure (the actual Christmas episode not the finale that just aired) and to have the baked potatoes and chicken I cooked for Christmas dinner. Just so I am actually really stuffed. It's not Christmas if you don't eat too much.
All in all, it's been a good day.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
That's not saying I didn't miss my family. I nearly cried when calling them at 6am their Christmas morning; and only the frustration at my uncle playing silly buggers with his internet during the lunchtime Skype call stopped me even getting that close. Two of my friends here gave me presents so I did have something to unwrap (more than I might have if I'd been home to be honest) and the lunch thing sent me home with a small gift (really a rather large possibly fancy and probably Italian cake).
I came home to listen to Christmas Cabin Pressure (the actual Christmas episode not the finale that just aired) and to have the baked potatoes and chicken I cooked for Christmas dinner. Just so I am actually really stuffed. It's not Christmas if you don't eat too much.
All in all, it's been a good day.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Monday, 17 November 2014
Remember Remember...
Let's pretend I actually managed to post this on the 5th of November or something close to it instead of nearly two weeks later...
So I'm a bit of a liar about weekly updates. But I've been a bit sick and busy so taking the time I should be working on my essay to write this. Yesterday was Bonfire Night, aka the day the English (British??) celebrate that time a dude nearly blew up Parliament but was caught by burning fires (with or without a stuffed version of him on it). Also there's fireworks. For like the last week, and I'm told continuing for the next week.
I made the choice to go out of town to celebrate this, as while Exeter did have a celebration happening Ottery St Mary seemed to be the place to be. Everyone I knew was going, and a bit of research showed that the 'Tar Barrels' they had there were world famous? According to them.
Either way, about 5:30pm I bundled up in my warmest clothes (which wasn't as warm as I really needed), met a friend and we caught the prebooked bus to Ottery St Mary. He had one of his flatmates with him but she was meeting her boyfriend there. Once she did, we saw her all of twice and both times by accident so she wasn't really a part of my night.
First thing we did do, once at the event (a good fifteen minute walk from the bus stop, half of which was along a dark, dark road), was head towards the smoke to see the bonfire just out of town. The very very big bonfire. Like I heard people saying the flames were getting to be 100 foot tall and staying about 50 metres from the fire, I could feel the heat of it. It was SO big.
<A close up A not close up>
We got closer. It got really, really warm. I thought I was going to have sunburn, it was that hot. After we'd had our fill of burning things- it took a while- we headed back towards the town, stopping to grab some food from one of the many food stalls along the road while ducking into a field to look at the rides they had- all overpriced but well lit. Night fair, for the win.
For a while we wondered around town, in search of something amusing. Then we found it, walking into a women's tar barrel race in a crowded but not overly crowded street. We got front road, well standing positions, as the women ran the barrels up and down the road we were standing on. Every so often I would have to move fast to get out of the road of the flaming barrel of tar (and woman) coming right at me. It was awesome, though by now I was glad I hadn't brought my camera (or honestly anything that didn't fit into the pockets of my overcoat).
Sadly the barrel couldn't last forever, so eventually the running of it ended. I caved in and brought a programme and my friend and I went in search of another race...or run. Not sure what the specifics are if there's no winner or other competitors...
But we must have been the worse navigators ever because we couldn't track down the next race. Annoyed we went back to the bonfire, which had died down since we left it. Though it was still big- I was told it would still be burning today and that they just leave it to burn out. I could believe that, being able to see the blue flames in the fire. And still feel some of the heat, though nowhere near as much.
Eventually we again got bored of burning things and decided to wander back into town.
Instead we wandered into a crowd. A very big crowd. Seeing no way around it, the pair of us tried to make our way through it, ignoring the large amount of pushing and shoving happening. I'm shorter than my friend and after he nearly lost me in the crowd we grabbed hands, not wanting to get lost in the mess.
It was then we either got far enough ahead or had the bad luck to run into a tar barrel.
In a crowd as large as this, with the tar barrel running right through it, there really was no control. Every so often I got crushed against people as we all dodged out of the way of the fire- once or twice I was again front row to it- and there wasn't always warning. I couldn't see above the crowd, obviously, and had to rely on others to make sure I didn't end up in its path. Somehow we got far enough along the road that I was able to drag us across the crowd and down a side street where we could walk back into town sans tar barrels and crushing crowds.
I had it better; my friend doesn't like crowds.
Unnerved by the experience, we found a crowd free vantage point for the next barrel. While it was nowhere near as close as we had been for the last two, we weren't being crushed and still had a good view of the huge, flaming barrel on the guy's shoulders so it wasn't that awful. Once that had finished, we checked our watches and made the long walk back to the bus stop, in time for the next bus back to Uni.
All in all, it was a great experience.
But I now know why they warned us about crowds and fire before we got on the bus to go to Ottery St Mary...
So I'm a bit of a liar about weekly updates. But I've been a bit sick and busy so taking the time I should be working on my essay to write this. Yesterday was Bonfire Night, aka the day the English (British??) celebrate that time a dude nearly blew up Parliament but was caught by burning fires (with or without a stuffed version of him on it). Also there's fireworks. For like the last week, and I'm told continuing for the next week.
I made the choice to go out of town to celebrate this, as while Exeter did have a celebration happening Ottery St Mary seemed to be the place to be. Everyone I knew was going, and a bit of research showed that the 'Tar Barrels' they had there were world famous? According to them.
Either way, about 5:30pm I bundled up in my warmest clothes (which wasn't as warm as I really needed), met a friend and we caught the prebooked bus to Ottery St Mary. He had one of his flatmates with him but she was meeting her boyfriend there. Once she did, we saw her all of twice and both times by accident so she wasn't really a part of my night.
First thing we did do, once at the event (a good fifteen minute walk from the bus stop, half of which was along a dark, dark road), was head towards the smoke to see the bonfire just out of town. The very very big bonfire. Like I heard people saying the flames were getting to be 100 foot tall and staying about 50 metres from the fire, I could feel the heat of it. It was SO big.
<A close up A not close up>
We got closer. It got really, really warm. I thought I was going to have sunburn, it was that hot. After we'd had our fill of burning things- it took a while- we headed back towards the town, stopping to grab some food from one of the many food stalls along the road while ducking into a field to look at the rides they had- all overpriced but well lit. Night fair, for the win.
For a while we wondered around town, in search of something amusing. Then we found it, walking into a women's tar barrel race in a crowded but not overly crowded street. We got front road, well standing positions, as the women ran the barrels up and down the road we were standing on. Every so often I would have to move fast to get out of the road of the flaming barrel of tar (and woman) coming right at me. It was awesome, though by now I was glad I hadn't brought my camera (or honestly anything that didn't fit into the pockets of my overcoat).
Sadly the barrel couldn't last forever, so eventually the running of it ended. I caved in and brought a programme and my friend and I went in search of another race...or run. Not sure what the specifics are if there's no winner or other competitors...
But we must have been the worse navigators ever because we couldn't track down the next race. Annoyed we went back to the bonfire, which had died down since we left it. Though it was still big- I was told it would still be burning today and that they just leave it to burn out. I could believe that, being able to see the blue flames in the fire. And still feel some of the heat, though nowhere near as much.
Eventually we again got bored of burning things and decided to wander back into town.
Instead we wandered into a crowd. A very big crowd. Seeing no way around it, the pair of us tried to make our way through it, ignoring the large amount of pushing and shoving happening. I'm shorter than my friend and after he nearly lost me in the crowd we grabbed hands, not wanting to get lost in the mess.
It was then we either got far enough ahead or had the bad luck to run into a tar barrel.
In a crowd as large as this, with the tar barrel running right through it, there really was no control. Every so often I got crushed against people as we all dodged out of the way of the fire- once or twice I was again front row to it- and there wasn't always warning. I couldn't see above the crowd, obviously, and had to rely on others to make sure I didn't end up in its path. Somehow we got far enough along the road that I was able to drag us across the crowd and down a side street where we could walk back into town sans tar barrels and crushing crowds.
I had it better; my friend doesn't like crowds.
Unnerved by the experience, we found a crowd free vantage point for the next barrel. While it was nowhere near as close as we had been for the last two, we weren't being crushed and still had a good view of the huge, flaming barrel on the guy's shoulders so it wasn't that awful. Once that had finished, we checked our watches and made the long walk back to the bus stop, in time for the next bus back to Uni.
All in all, it was a great experience.
But I now know why they warned us about crowds and fire before we got on the bus to go to Ottery St Mary...
Thursday, 6 November 2014
Not Cool Dude
There's a post in my drafts about my week, I just need to add to it when I'm next procrastinating my essay. But this is not about that.
This is about the dude who, when I was walking home from town at midnight made me majorly uncomfortable while probably thinking he was being nice.
News flash: You weren't.
Scene: Midnight, middle of town when I'm about ten minutes away from the lounge I just spent four hours in with the Doctor Who Society. I'm completely sober and about twenty minutes from home.
As I'm walking a guy, about a foot taller than me, walks past and asks if I'm alright.
I say I'm fine.
He then asks if I just finished work.
Now I'm nervous. I know he's probably being polite but it's late and I'm already nervous about the thirty minute walk home. So I reply that I'm just walking home.
To which I get, "No, where were you?"
...Okay, feeling like an interrogation here. "Out". I reply curtly. By now I'm wishing I had had my headphones in so I could have politely ignored this guy.
"Pub or Club?"
Right, this isn't polite. Seriously dude, I'm a young woman walking alone at night. I know you probably think you're being nice but I'm feeling interrogated and you're just making me nervous!
I reply "Lounge." Because it's correct, I wasn't at a pub or club. He, now five metres ahead of me, says something I don't catch and I slow up a bit, letting him get further away. For the rest of the time he's ahead of me, before he turns down a side road, I keep an eye on him.
Why? Because he made me nervous! Piece of advise for guys- late at night, your advances aren't going to come off as anything but nice and friendly (to me at least). The one good thing this guy did was get ahead of me before asking anything- and stayed there. He didn't seem to take my curtness as a hint and for all I know, his last statement to me was something about me being rude.
Which I had every right to be.
Okay word vomit over, I'm just a little worked up (over nothing probably but at the time it was a lot freaky; I spent the rest of the walk home keeping an eye on my surroundings just in case dude decided to follow me instead) and wanted to... vent? I guess. It's probably nothing but urgh, I wish he'd said nothing.
This is about the dude who, when I was walking home from town at midnight made me majorly uncomfortable while probably thinking he was being nice.
News flash: You weren't.
Scene: Midnight, middle of town when I'm about ten minutes away from the lounge I just spent four hours in with the Doctor Who Society. I'm completely sober and about twenty minutes from home.
As I'm walking a guy, about a foot taller than me, walks past and asks if I'm alright.
I say I'm fine.
He then asks if I just finished work.
Now I'm nervous. I know he's probably being polite but it's late and I'm already nervous about the thirty minute walk home. So I reply that I'm just walking home.
To which I get, "No, where were you?"
...Okay, feeling like an interrogation here. "Out". I reply curtly. By now I'm wishing I had had my headphones in so I could have politely ignored this guy.
"Pub or Club?"
Right, this isn't polite. Seriously dude, I'm a young woman walking alone at night. I know you probably think you're being nice but I'm feeling interrogated and you're just making me nervous!
I reply "Lounge." Because it's correct, I wasn't at a pub or club. He, now five metres ahead of me, says something I don't catch and I slow up a bit, letting him get further away. For the rest of the time he's ahead of me, before he turns down a side road, I keep an eye on him.
Why? Because he made me nervous! Piece of advise for guys- late at night, your advances aren't going to come off as anything but nice and friendly (to me at least). The one good thing this guy did was get ahead of me before asking anything- and stayed there. He didn't seem to take my curtness as a hint and for all I know, his last statement to me was something about me being rude.
Which I had every right to be.
Okay word vomit over, I'm just a little worked up (over nothing probably but at the time it was a lot freaky; I spent the rest of the walk home keeping an eye on my surroundings just in case dude decided to follow me instead) and wanted to... vent? I guess. It's probably nothing but urgh, I wish he'd said nothing.
Thursday, 23 October 2014
I Am Silent
Seriously. So silent on this blog. I guess I just forget I have it and I'm more used to talking stuff out with my friends anyway than writing it down. I don't even edit beyond a quick check for typos- my entries are usually all stream of consciousness.
But recently I've been doing some work in class on diaries and well, I'm wondering why I'm not keeping one while I'm over here. Admittedly a daily one might get dull (take today's- got up, got on computer, walked to town, came home, got on computer for rest of day) but weekly entries could be interesting? Hell a weekly post on this site might be interesting and give me the chance to at least let people I'm not talking to as much as I used to know what I'm doing.
But then I am awful at diaries so I don't even know.
I do know I adore my social life over here. Weekly hang outs with certain friends, all routine and working. I've watched so much Doctor Who with the society and there's only more to see. In fact, all societies seem to be keeping me busy so that's great. I've not been travelling much but I've a load of time before and after Christmas and in the New Year to get that done- and a railcard to do some of it with.
Also my grant is coming so woo, free money soon! And reading week is next week so I might look into spending a day or two in London at the end of next week. It all depends! I have options!
...Of course now I'm writing this to avoid sleeping so I'm going to go do that.
But recently I've been doing some work in class on diaries and well, I'm wondering why I'm not keeping one while I'm over here. Admittedly a daily one might get dull (take today's- got up, got on computer, walked to town, came home, got on computer for rest of day) but weekly entries could be interesting? Hell a weekly post on this site might be interesting and give me the chance to at least let people I'm not talking to as much as I used to know what I'm doing.
But then I am awful at diaries so I don't even know.
I do know I adore my social life over here. Weekly hang outs with certain friends, all routine and working. I've watched so much Doctor Who with the society and there's only more to see. In fact, all societies seem to be keeping me busy so that's great. I've not been travelling much but I've a load of time before and after Christmas and in the New Year to get that done- and a railcard to do some of it with.
Also my grant is coming so woo, free money soon! And reading week is next week so I might look into spending a day or two in London at the end of next week. It all depends! I have options!
...Of course now I'm writing this to avoid sleeping so I'm going to go do that.
Sunday, 5 October 2014
Procrastinating Thoughts
I have homework due tomorrow so instead of doing it I'm going to update a post here because I've not posted in a while.
Reason: I've been busy. SO VERY VERY BUSY. Like, settling into a new place made me busy but then Uni has made me busier. Firstly because of the homework side of it (SO MUCH READING) but also because of the social side.
I've never been this involved in anything.
Back home, I've work and a list of reasons to not go out. Here, there's nothing like that and I'm just going out so much more. Friends are texting me to do lunch and I go do lunch that day. The societies I'm in all have things on basically once a fortnight (if not more) and well, my building keeps doing things together.
And it's awesome. But it's making me wonder what I'm missing back home? Like... I don't go out much at home and I love it but here it seems I also love spending time with people all over the place? And yes, while I have had to talk myself into going to a couple of events, I've never regretted going.
Though I've not gotten drunk. Just super tipsy.
I'm also feeling a touch disconnected from home. Which might be adding to these odd thoughts. Mostly because my family spread my Nana's ashes on Sunday (their yesterday, my today) and no one bothered to tell me it was going to happen until the day before. My brother assumed I knew and I can't think of what it would have been like if he'd mentioned it in Skype after it had happened.
Or if I'd seen Mum's status on Facebook and not known it was happening.
And while I know it wasn't possible to wait for me to be there and that keeping the ashes in the house was freaking Mum out (mostly because the Furbies in the room she's keeping the ashes in keep going off for no reason...) but a part of me wishes they could have delayed it. It's only a few months. Or if I had just gone on exchange last semester as originally planned... but then I would have missed the last months of Nana's life- and definitely wouldn't have been home before her stroke. It was just rotten timing, I know, but a part of me is heartbroken at missing this absolutely final goodbye.
And the rest is pissed I only knew about it because I called Dad twice for his birthday instead of once.
Reason: I've been busy. SO VERY VERY BUSY. Like, settling into a new place made me busy but then Uni has made me busier. Firstly because of the homework side of it (SO MUCH READING) but also because of the social side.
I've never been this involved in anything.
Back home, I've work and a list of reasons to not go out. Here, there's nothing like that and I'm just going out so much more. Friends are texting me to do lunch and I go do lunch that day. The societies I'm in all have things on basically once a fortnight (if not more) and well, my building keeps doing things together.
And it's awesome. But it's making me wonder what I'm missing back home? Like... I don't go out much at home and I love it but here it seems I also love spending time with people all over the place? And yes, while I have had to talk myself into going to a couple of events, I've never regretted going.
Though I've not gotten drunk. Just super tipsy.
I'm also feeling a touch disconnected from home. Which might be adding to these odd thoughts. Mostly because my family spread my Nana's ashes on Sunday (their yesterday, my today) and no one bothered to tell me it was going to happen until the day before. My brother assumed I knew and I can't think of what it would have been like if he'd mentioned it in Skype after it had happened.
Or if I'd seen Mum's status on Facebook and not known it was happening.
And while I know it wasn't possible to wait for me to be there and that keeping the ashes in the house was freaking Mum out (mostly because the Furbies in the room she's keeping the ashes in keep going off for no reason...) but a part of me wishes they could have delayed it. It's only a few months. Or if I had just gone on exchange last semester as originally planned... but then I would have missed the last months of Nana's life- and definitely wouldn't have been home before her stroke. It was just rotten timing, I know, but a part of me is heartbroken at missing this absolutely final goodbye.
And the rest is pissed I only knew about it because I called Dad twice for his birthday instead of once.
Friday, 12 September 2014
The Love Of Field And Coppice
Dorothea Mackeller- My Country
My Country has always been one of those poems I loved but the exact image that the first (often skipped) paragraph describes has escaped me.
Until now.
England is so green. And there's so many lanes- I'm currently in the city of Exeter and I can't walk more than say 50 metres without finding a lane (and it's an actual lane not a laneway). There's so many old old buildings in the main part of town, like older than anything you could find in Sydney and so many of them are just...shops. It's different.
There's been quite a few differences, all minor really. Windows don't have flyscreens- something I'm told is super common all over Europe. In the place I'm living, I've a pair of full length windows that open inward and I could, with minimal effort, climb out of them and over the metal bars that cover the bottom half. If I wasn't on the second floor that is... Oh and traffic lights go orange before they go green and everyone jaywalks for every set of lights.
But really, I've been settling in nicely to England. I met some friends of a friend and they're awesome and have shown me around a bit. I know where the Uni and town are and I've getting the hang of shopping for myself. All the minor issues I had when moving in (my UniKit stuff not arriving for 4 days; the jammed windows etc) have been resolved to some degree- enough that I'm comfortable.
I like it here and I can't wait for Uni to start back. =)
My Country has always been one of those poems I loved but the exact image that the first (often skipped) paragraph describes has escaped me.
Until now.
England is so green. And there's so many lanes- I'm currently in the city of Exeter and I can't walk more than say 50 metres without finding a lane (and it's an actual lane not a laneway). There's so many old old buildings in the main part of town, like older than anything you could find in Sydney and so many of them are just...shops. It's different.
There's been quite a few differences, all minor really. Windows don't have flyscreens- something I'm told is super common all over Europe. In the place I'm living, I've a pair of full length windows that open inward and I could, with minimal effort, climb out of them and over the metal bars that cover the bottom half. If I wasn't on the second floor that is... Oh and traffic lights go orange before they go green and everyone jaywalks for every set of lights.
But really, I've been settling in nicely to England. I met some friends of a friend and they're awesome and have shown me around a bit. I know where the Uni and town are and I've getting the hang of shopping for myself. All the minor issues I had when moving in (my UniKit stuff not arriving for 4 days; the jammed windows etc) have been resolved to some degree- enough that I'm comfortable.
I like it here and I can't wait for Uni to start back. =)
Friday, 11 July 2014
Update: Nothing to Update
Because nothing is happening to me.
Well, nothing worth updating about. I feel almost like I'm in stasis, waiting for it to be September and for ALL the things to happen to me. But until then, I go to work, I hang around home, I might go see a friend once or twice and for the rest of the time I try not to look like I'm wasting ten hours a day online when I really am.
I'm not bored really... if I was, I would go talk to friends to go do things. But I'm not...interested either? I don't know. It's a tough feeling to describe.
I guess just I want to go have adventures right now. And the waiting is driving me nuts.
Well, nothing worth updating about. I feel almost like I'm in stasis, waiting for it to be September and for ALL the things to happen to me. But until then, I go to work, I hang around home, I might go see a friend once or twice and for the rest of the time I try not to look like I'm wasting ten hours a day online when I really am.
I'm not bored really... if I was, I would go talk to friends to go do things. But I'm not...interested either? I don't know. It's a tough feeling to describe.
I guess just I want to go have adventures right now. And the waiting is driving me nuts.
Friday, 27 June 2014
It's My Fault, Even When It's Not My Fault
I've often complained about my Dad eating my food. He doesn't have any boundaries, if he finds it he eats it. So I hoard food. There's food in so many weird places- I've chocolate in a bag hanging on my door, there's chips hidden in the cupboard under the microwave and there's a cooler bag full of lollies that I've had over a year now. I buy junk food in large amounts, knowing full well I might lose half of it to a hungry father and if I don't, well there's enough food to last me for a looong time.
But Dad hates it. He gets pissed off every time he catches me hoarding food and annoyed when I produce food out of nowhere or when he comes into a room and realises I'm hiding whatever I was eating from him in fear of losing most of it to him. I do share, but cautiously.
So I'm trying not to hoard or at least not to be so obvious about it. But when I don't hide it and he finds it, he eats it. Like he did tonight- he found my Maltesers' show bag from the Easter show and ate half of what was in there.
But I was at work when he did it. My brother informed me of the theft when I got home, and I lost my temper over it. Unfortunately this happened in front of Dad.
And he became upset, saying if I didn't want it eaten I should have hidden it. He then went to bed without making me make him a hot chocolate, thus earning me a lecture from Mum about being understanding of his condition and him in general. And I get it, I really do. But this isn't a new thing, he's never had any respect for my property and it's so hard at the moment to know if what I'm going to say is going to piss him off or not. Sometimes it's like talking to a land mine, with a buried anger just waiting to go off at an unknown provocation. But then other times he's just like he used to be, before. And I forget about the landmine until suddenly it's back again.
I apologised to Dad when he got back up. It's just easier.
Mum said I should go talk to someone about the situation (in general with Dad) and my feelings. But... I don't do well with being open with feelings- just like Dad. I doubt it'll be of any help.
I need to go on exchange so badly. I need to get out of this house. Even if it's only for six months.
But Dad hates it. He gets pissed off every time he catches me hoarding food and annoyed when I produce food out of nowhere or when he comes into a room and realises I'm hiding whatever I was eating from him in fear of losing most of it to him. I do share, but cautiously.
So I'm trying not to hoard or at least not to be so obvious about it. But when I don't hide it and he finds it, he eats it. Like he did tonight- he found my Maltesers' show bag from the Easter show and ate half of what was in there.
But I was at work when he did it. My brother informed me of the theft when I got home, and I lost my temper over it. Unfortunately this happened in front of Dad.
And he became upset, saying if I didn't want it eaten I should have hidden it. He then went to bed without making me make him a hot chocolate, thus earning me a lecture from Mum about being understanding of his condition and him in general. And I get it, I really do. But this isn't a new thing, he's never had any respect for my property and it's so hard at the moment to know if what I'm going to say is going to piss him off or not. Sometimes it's like talking to a land mine, with a buried anger just waiting to go off at an unknown provocation. But then other times he's just like he used to be, before. And I forget about the landmine until suddenly it's back again.
I apologised to Dad when he got back up. It's just easier.
Mum said I should go talk to someone about the situation (in general with Dad) and my feelings. But... I don't do well with being open with feelings- just like Dad. I doubt it'll be of any help.
I need to go on exchange so badly. I need to get out of this house. Even if it's only for six months.
Tuesday, 3 June 2014
ENGLAND HERE I COME!
Well. Not quite yet. But soon! Because I AM GOING ON EXCHANGE.
After much waiting, Exeter has sent me an email confirming that they are offering me a place at their university next semester. I cannot tell you how glad I am to see that email- I've been so worried that I hadn't got it because it was taking so long. A feeling that wasn't helped when I got an email this morning asking for the second page of my application form as it had been lost and was needed.
But then I got it and I'm so HAPPY.
Oh gosh and now there's so much to organise...
But I got!
After much waiting, Exeter has sent me an email confirming that they are offering me a place at their university next semester. I cannot tell you how glad I am to see that email- I've been so worried that I hadn't got it because it was taking so long. A feeling that wasn't helped when I got an email this morning asking for the second page of my application form as it had been lost and was needed.
But then I got it and I'm so HAPPY.
Oh gosh and now there's so much to organise...
But I got!
Thursday, 8 May 2014
Here We Go Again...
So the day before yesterday my Mum told me some bad news, and then Dad confirmed it yesterday and added even more bad news to it- about my grandmother (who is my Grandma and not the woman currently in a nursing home due to Dementia)
My Grandma has both Cardio-Vascular Dementia and early onset of Alzheimer's disease. The first one is pretty awful, it basically means that she's at a high risk of dying and there's bugger all they can do for her- the operation to help her is more risky than the disease itself. But there's no timeline for it, she could die tomorrow or live until her 100's. It's just more risk.
It's the Alzheimer's that is mostly upsetting me. I don't remember him, but I've heard stories of my Poppy and what the family went through when he had Alzheimer's. It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't fun and it took a lot out of everyone. By the end of his life, he didn't remember most of his children, including my mother and only randomly remembered one of his granddaughters. As I was two when he died, I doubt he even realised my brother and I existed or if he did I doubt he realised who we were to him. But for the most part, what happened to him is a sad story for me, not a reality.
Grandma will be a reality. I remember staying the nights with her, I remember visits with her and how she speaks, how she lives, what it's like to be loved by her. I know her and the thought of what happened to Poppy happening to her terrifies me. Alzheimer's progresses over a looong period of time, it's just a awful and slow process of losing a loved one.
A part of me is also worried about my travel plans, how this might effect them and then feeling guilty for even worrying about those. There is a plan in place for me regarding if something happens to Nana, for whom there is also fears regarding health. It will have to apply to Grandma too...
For now, it's mostly a minor problem. The people who run all the aged care services and Grandma's doctors are keeping her at home so it's mostly a thing to worry about in the future. But it's a future I don't find myself looking forward too.
I once said that both my grandmothers were going to live to see my 21st. I wonder if that was a good thing, or a bad thing?
My Grandma has both Cardio-Vascular Dementia and early onset of Alzheimer's disease. The first one is pretty awful, it basically means that she's at a high risk of dying and there's bugger all they can do for her- the operation to help her is more risky than the disease itself. But there's no timeline for it, she could die tomorrow or live until her 100's. It's just more risk.
It's the Alzheimer's that is mostly upsetting me. I don't remember him, but I've heard stories of my Poppy and what the family went through when he had Alzheimer's. It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't fun and it took a lot out of everyone. By the end of his life, he didn't remember most of his children, including my mother and only randomly remembered one of his granddaughters. As I was two when he died, I doubt he even realised my brother and I existed or if he did I doubt he realised who we were to him. But for the most part, what happened to him is a sad story for me, not a reality.
Grandma will be a reality. I remember staying the nights with her, I remember visits with her and how she speaks, how she lives, what it's like to be loved by her. I know her and the thought of what happened to Poppy happening to her terrifies me. Alzheimer's progresses over a looong period of time, it's just a awful and slow process of losing a loved one.
A part of me is also worried about my travel plans, how this might effect them and then feeling guilty for even worrying about those. There is a plan in place for me regarding if something happens to Nana, for whom there is also fears regarding health. It will have to apply to Grandma too...
For now, it's mostly a minor problem. The people who run all the aged care services and Grandma's doctors are keeping her at home so it's mostly a thing to worry about in the future. But it's a future I don't find myself looking forward too.
I once said that both my grandmothers were going to live to see my 21st. I wonder if that was a good thing, or a bad thing?
Monday, 14 April 2014
Magic Week
Well it has been. So far my week has been BRILLIANT and my plans for the rest of it are only going to make it much better.
Sunday I met my favourite actor, Benedict Cumberbatch. The day was amazing (I did a write up of it here which I'm not going to copy and paste because it's 2000 words) and I met an awesome person, Anna, who kept me company for most of the day. It was lovely and worth it and he's so so sweet.
Monday was a bit meh because I had work but I picked up an extra shift at work which I desperately need. And I got to see some of the people I work with that I've not seen in ages because of the shifts I've been working which was nice.
Then came my birthday, today. About midnight people on tumblr started to wish me a Happy Birthday and that write up I did started to collect loads of notes. The people in chat wished me a Happy Birthday too, complete with a sing along and virtual cake. Which was incredibly sweet of them. Then I checked my email, at 2am, as I was going to bed.
I had my offer letter for exchange.
I am nominated to Exeter!
I'M SO HAPPY.
Plus tomorrow I go to the Easter show and Friday I have my birthday party.
Like I said, this is a magic week.
Sunday I met my favourite actor, Benedict Cumberbatch. The day was amazing (I did a write up of it here which I'm not going to copy and paste because it's 2000 words) and I met an awesome person, Anna, who kept me company for most of the day. It was lovely and worth it and he's so so sweet.
Monday was a bit meh because I had work but I picked up an extra shift at work which I desperately need. And I got to see some of the people I work with that I've not seen in ages because of the shifts I've been working which was nice.
Then came my birthday, today. About midnight people on tumblr started to wish me a Happy Birthday and that write up I did started to collect loads of notes. The people in chat wished me a Happy Birthday too, complete with a sing along and virtual cake. Which was incredibly sweet of them. Then I checked my email, at 2am, as I was going to bed.
I had my offer letter for exchange.
I am nominated to Exeter!
I'M SO HAPPY.
Plus tomorrow I go to the Easter show and Friday I have my birthday party.
Like I said, this is a magic week.
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Too Much Information?
Or not enough?
Just so you know, my family has the weirdest approach to so called 'women's issues' I've never seen. I was raised to never so much as mention 'that time of the month' in front of my brother and Dad because they'll get embarrassed and they don't wanna know. I'm learning it's ridiculous, this kind of approach but it's still hard for me to not be embarrassed at the mere thought of the stupid thing. Hell, I can barely name it without feeling icky. So. Not the best approach.
But also, apparently, off topic. I thought this was what Mum was talking about and was really confused because I wasn't aware that it would be an issue? I can deal with it as easily there as I can here? But after a few minutes of confused conversation, Dad finally snapped and told Mum to just come out with it because he's not that stupid.
And Mum wants me to consider going on the pill. Which is...yeah, okay might be an idea. Idk what the pill does for people and if it'll be any use with the ever forgetful me but sure? I'll consider it.
Just, there were two reasons Mum wants me to consider it. One being the benefits and the other being it would be, and I quote, "protection" for me "in case something happened".
And it's times like this that I wish I could talk to my parents about my feelings regarding sex. I replied instantly that I had no intention of spending the night in anybody's bed to which I was told "things happen". If I could talk to them about this, they would know the exact nature of my feelings about the entire thing and that really, I'm very much not interested. But instead I can't so I have to put up with being told that what I think (and feel really) is invalid in the face of their experience.
And I managed to not use the word sex in that entire paragraph. Go me?
More Interview Stuff
So I had my interview for exchange today.
It was very relaxed. Like, I dressed up a bit for it because interview but I really shouldn't have bothered. Though I'm sure it helped form a good opinion. But mostly it was a quick chat, held over my paperwork.
And I think I got in.
Well, more than think, at one point I noticed the way she was talking was as if I was in. So I asked if I was, in fact, accepted. And she said yes, I have been accepted to my university's exchange program because no flags in my paperwork, nothing beyond a missed signature from my faculty. Which is not a guarantee I'll go on exchange, I still have to be accepted at a host university. But it means they'll be trying to get me to one of those and they want me to go overseas.
It's a step. A big step.
If everything goes to plan, in six months or so, I could be living in England. It hasn't really sunk in.
I wonder when it will.
It was very relaxed. Like, I dressed up a bit for it because interview but I really shouldn't have bothered. Though I'm sure it helped form a good opinion. But mostly it was a quick chat, held over my paperwork.
And I think I got in.
Well, more than think, at one point I noticed the way she was talking was as if I was in. So I asked if I was, in fact, accepted. And she said yes, I have been accepted to my university's exchange program because no flags in my paperwork, nothing beyond a missed signature from my faculty. Which is not a guarantee I'll go on exchange, I still have to be accepted at a host university. But it means they'll be trying to get me to one of those and they want me to go overseas.
It's a step. A big step.
If everything goes to plan, in six months or so, I could be living in England. It hasn't really sunk in.
I wonder when it will.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
International Exchange
I have an interview for International Exchange.
Oh gosh, I've got an interview.
I'm going to go freak out over there, don't mind me.
Oh gosh, I've got an interview.
I'm going to go freak out over there, don't mind me.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
Home Sweet Home!
My parents have finally gone on their 12 day cruise and left my brother and I to watch the house, and the dog, while they are away. For the next 12 days or so, the only yelling will be my brother and I fighting which is easily resolved by a closed door. I won't be talked at by a mother oblivious to my disinterest and I will be free to enjoy peace and quiet at nights, when my brother is in his room.
That's not to say it's going to be easy. They've left us money to live on but it's really not going to cover what we are going to need- it boils down to a few dollars a day each for all three meals. We'll have to handle household chores which is to say I'll have to handle them until I yell at my brother to do his fair share. My parents are terrified I'm going to stave the dog, which is impossible when the silly thing comes up and begs at you if he's hungry but I am worried my brother will ignore him and let him get into mischief the few days I have to be places when he doesn't.
Basically we're getting a trial run of what it means to live away from home. Last time this happened, the hot water heater blew up (no fault of ours). I'm not sure I'm ready for it. But I'll survive.
In other news, I'm one form away from completing my exchange. I just need to fill it out and locate my enrolment record and I'm sweet- with the deadline not until next Friday, I am very confident I will get this in. While I had to make a snap decision for my third choice university, I am beginning to warm to the idea of studying in Sweden and would not be disappointed if I ended up there.
Even if it is freezing cold.
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