Temper, Temper

I'm getting sick and tired of bearing the brunt of my mother's temper. It seems like at least once a week (and never on the days I have Uni) I'm woken by Mum losing it at something or someone and just generally making a load of noise that's impossible to sleep through. But when I get up I have to sit in the same room as her and listen to her lose it and I'm just so sick of it. And it's not always just in the morning. She loses it whenever things don't work out as she planned or something breaks or fails to work and it's tiring.

It's not that her anger isn't (usually) justified. But it's always loud and over the top. Sure, yelling at the computer for not working feels good but it's not actually helping and I'm the poor sod sitting two metres away listening to it.

She complains at me like I'm capable of fixing every single problem she has; and sure I get venting but venting about something I've just heard you vent about? Not helping. And she's just. So loud. I spend most of the time she's angry wanting to leave the room... I'm scared, honestly and I spend a lot of the time apologising because maybe that'll make her calm down and stop being angry. And she's not even yelling at me! Just in my general direction.

I just want it to stop. The end of the month can't come quick enough. A month without her (and Dad), no matter how much responsibly I have to take on, sounds amazing.

I'm Not Scared Of You

So my Dad lost it last night. He's been having issues recently with a tooth of his, possibly one that's got some kind of cap on it, I'm not sure. Either way, it fell out last night while he was in his lounge chair and went down the side of the chair. I was in the room when it happened and Dad's first reaction was to try and get the tooth back.

It stayed his only reaction for nearly an hour and a half. He turned the chair upside down and sideways; checked out the bin beside the lounge and then turned the chair upside down again. And then he felt inside the lounge again.

That's not the worst of it. Dad basically got within minutes of ripping apart our lounge chair in search of this tiny, tiny tooth. My brother was at work but Mum and I were recruited into helping - despite me being busy working on an essay I just submitted. At one point I escaped the room to take the garbage out and got caught up taking the neighbour's dog home so that took nearly twenty minutes. I came back to them still looking. Dad was completely losing it, calling himself all kinds of names and basically thinking he's the worst person alive for losing a tooth. It was definitely an overreaction and both Mum and I were upset -Mum at the fact Dad was willing to destroy our lounge chair; me because everyone else was upset and that tends to make me feel the same. I was also upset because some of the things Dad was saying about himself were awful and I just do not like hearing him talk like that. I cannot handle conflict really.

Eventually Mum and I managed to convince Dad to give up, though not with words but with lack of helpful action. We settled back into our places and wouldn't you know it? Dad found the damned tooth an hour later, somewhere in the lounge.

But that's all background. I found out today, from Mum, that Dad thought I was scared of him last night. See, like I said, I can't handle conflict, especially anger. And my answer to conflict is to remove myself from it. I remember a time in high school that I had a fight with a good friend - my only fight with her in memory- and as soon as I realised being angry was making me cry I removed myself from the situation and hid in a bathroom to cry myself out. I do not like to be present when someone is getting angry and I can't help. Especially not my parents.

So removing myself has nothing to do with being scared of the person who is angry but is my natural reaction to someone being angry. Last night I was not scared of Dad, just upset at his reaction.

And I started thinking. And I realised I've never been scared of my Dad. I mean, I've been scared of his reaction in that I feared the consequences he was going to give me for actions I've done but I've never feared for my safety when he's been present- even when angry, I know he won't hurt me though I'm not fond of being yelled at by him. Which is what I think he thinks I was scared of. He's apologised for his actions last night and I tried to make sure he realises I understood and wasn't scared but I don't know if it was clear.

But the idea that he could ever think I feared him is as upsetting a thought as the memory of his overreaction last night was. I don't want him to think I'm scared of him, he's one of the kindest men I know (with some of the worst politics around but no one is perfect) and I know how much he beats himself up over things. But I just do not have the words to reassure him, especially as I'm not sure he knows, I know what he told Mum about thinking I might be scared of him.

It's a bit of a mess really.

Not Cool Dude

There's a post in my drafts about my week, I just need to add to it when I'm next procrastinating my essay. But this is not about that.

This is about the dude who, when I was walking home from town at midnight made me majorly uncomfortable while probably thinking he was being nice.

News flash: You weren't.

Scene: Midnight, middle of town when I'm about ten minutes away from the lounge I just spent four hours in with the Doctor Who Society. I'm completely sober and about twenty minutes from home.

As I'm walking a guy, about a foot taller than me, walks past and asks if I'm alright.

I say I'm fine.

He then asks if I just finished work.

Now I'm nervous. I know he's probably being polite but it's late and I'm already nervous about the thirty minute walk home. So I reply that I'm just walking home.

To which I get, "No, where were you?"

...Okay, feeling like an interrogation here. "Out". I reply curtly. By now I'm wishing I had had my headphones in so I could have politely ignored this guy.

"Pub or Club?"

Right, this isn't polite. Seriously dude, I'm a young woman walking alone at night. I know you probably think you're being nice but I'm feeling interrogated and you're just making me nervous!

I reply "Lounge." Because it's correct, I wasn't at a pub or club. He, now five metres ahead of me, says something I don't catch and I slow up a bit, letting him get further away. For the rest of the time he's ahead of me, before he turns down a side road, I keep an eye on him.

Why? Because he made me nervous! Piece of advise for guys- late at night, your advances aren't going to come off as anything but nice and friendly (to me at least). The one good thing this guy did was get ahead of me before asking anything- and stayed there. He didn't seem to take my curtness as a hint and for all I know, his last statement to me was something about me being rude.

Which I had every right to be.




Okay word vomit over, I'm just a little worked up (over nothing probably but at the time it was a lot freaky; I spent the rest of the walk home keeping an eye on my surroundings just in case dude decided to follow me instead) and wanted to... vent? I guess. It's probably nothing but urgh, I wish he'd said nothing.

My Library

Sometimes I feel like I run a library. I've no problem leading books to people, books are meant to be read and I have quite a few. Chances are I won't want to read whatever book is borrowed before they return it and even then, it's not a big deal. I can wait. Not to mention my brother and I act as if our books are interchangeable- so I have a lot of his in my room and he has a load of mine in his.

Only I never write down who has what. So if they don't return it, I'm left in the position where I'm certain I own a specific book but I can't find it and nor can I remember who the hell has it. And with my brother sometimes taking books and not telling me, it can make tracking down a certain book hard.

Right now, I'm sure two people have two Discworld books of mine- a friend at work has Raising Steam and my best friend has Guards Guards (which I don't expect to see for ages as he's a slow reader). But there's a third book missing- First Test, which is the first book in the Protector of the Small series by Tamora Pierce. I know my brother doesn't have it because he doesn't read the Tortall series, excepting those of the Beka series. Which I still have.

And recently I decided to reread the Protector of the Small series. After tearing my room apart, I couldn't find the first book and skipped it. Which annoyed the hell out of me because I love these series and I want to have the complete collection and reread in the right order. I know I own this book but I really can't find it and I'm beginning to think someone borrowed it and never returned it. So I'm getting to the stage where I'm thinking of buying a new book and if it turns up, I'll donate it or something.

I'm just pissed my memory is so poor that I can't ask whoever has it if they still have it because I can't remember who they are. I don't care if it's been lost, I just want to be certain about where it is.

I need to write things down...

I Am Not an Idiot

I'm fairly sure about that too. I may not know a lot about all things, but I'm fairly intelligent and fully capable of making up my own mind-and knowing what I want in the first place. I can walk into a store and buy things, knowing that I am getting what I wanted and for a decent price.

Too bad the salesman at Harvey Norman the other day didn't seem to get this.

I needed a new laptop. My old one wasn't charging and there was one terrifying moment last week when I couldn't get the computer to register there was a power-cord connected. Not to mention it's as slow as a wet rag and about as useful as one a lot of the time. So I asked around, looked at prices in stores and decided I wanted one of two brands, with a very specific feature.

Then I went to Harvey Norman. I walked in and found a computer, of one of the brands I wanted (although the brand I least preferred of the two) but without the feature I wanted. A salesman walked up and offered his help. I instantly unloaded exactly what I wanted, brand and feature. Guy looked a little stunned but led me to one brand (still, the least preferred) while asking what I wanted the computer for.

Upon hearing I wanted it for Uni, he offered me a Mac.

For the last two minutes or so of our interaction I've been throwing PC brands at you. Why would you offer a Mac, when I've clearly stated I want one of two PC brands?

My opinion of this dude fell then, but I continued asking for the second brand. He showed me a laptop, in my price range that I liked. I asked what kind of a deal could be made on it, he asked what I needed. I asked if it came with Microsoft Office, then when it didn't I asked for that. He barely seemed to consider that before offering this "replacement policy" where for the next three years, the laptop could be replaced if it breaks. Great thing, but $330 for the laptop and well, I couldn't afford it.

He wouldn't drop it.

By this point I'm feeling horrible. The guy doesn't seem to be listening to me, he's made me feel confused and like an idiot who doesn't know anything. Looking back on it, I'm fairly sure a lot of it has to do with my sex combined with my age...

I walked out. Took my Mum and went to another store where we got a better laptop for less and I wasn't made to feel stupid.

I wonder how this would have gone if my brother and/or Dad had been with me?

Lazy

I don't know if the title of this post relates to myself or my father. I'm a lazy bitch, I'm well aware of it. I'm reluctant to do much without a load of motivation and I'm a procrastinator to boot.

But at least I make my own lunch.

Seriously, Dad never makes his own food. He doesn't make his own coffee, he never gets his own drinks. He always has his dinner brought out to him and I've never seen him wash a dish. My brother, mother and I do all those things for him.

Take today- I made soup for lunch and boiled the kettle. After I had sat down and started eating, I was asked to make a coffee for him (which Mum took advantage of and had me make her one too). Never mind the fact there was no water left and I had to reboil the kettle or the fact I was STILL eating. Well, this might be within his rights to request I guess...but not the next thing. An hour or so later he asked what was in the house for lunch. I suggested there was ham for sandwiches- that became a statement of my volunteering to make him sandwiches.

And if I didn't make them, Mum would have and I would be in trouble for being a lazy bitch and not following a simple request.

But it's not. It's something that happens everyday, without fail. Dad is of the opinion my brother and I exist to serve him otherwise why have kids and well, my brother hides in his room to avoid this. But if I hide in my room, I'm being anti-social and I'll be ranted at.

So for now, I guess I'll put up with this kind of shit and just rant about it to my friends.

I wonder if I'll ever feel like I exist to do more than serve people.

Video Games

I recently got a 3DS. It's a great console, I'm enjoying having it a lot.

But in order to be able to afford it, I had to trade in $180 worth of games and consoles. And now I'm looking at game prices and realising the only reason my brother and I had games for our DS as cool and as recently released as we did is because our parents brought them.

I want a brand new copy of Nintendogs. It's going to cost me $50. The game came out soon after the console did- at least a year, if not two years ago. I brought a game today for $59 which was released today. And the $50 price is in one store- another wants $68 (the same store actually, that I brought the game today in).

I'm trying to find the logic here. I'm failing. I thought prices decreased as time passed...

Television

I love to watch television shows. I'm an obsessed fan by most definitions, of course I love to watch T.V shows. I can sit here and list a dozen different shows (British for the most part) with their actors (sometimes) and then argue with you over which has more depth or which is cooler. I'm a fan and I'm proud of it.

What I don't like to do, is watch television.

That is not a paradox. I hate sitting down in front of a television and watching my favourite shows. Unless they air on channel ABC, they are always full of ads. One show I watch (Sherlock) went from an hour and a half DVD run time, to two and a half hour air time on T.V. Why would I bother watching it on T.V when I can get the DVDs and watch it without constant reminders to buy this or that?

Or these shows air at times I just can't watch them in. We do have the ability to record shows but I rarely bother because, one I have a delete happy father but also because simply setting it to record is no guarantee of recording the full program as most channels tend to view the starting times as more guides than anything they need to follow.

There's also four people in my house and only one T.V with Austar. Which isn't an issue when it comes to watching normal T.V but of the two remaining digital T.Vs, one is in my brother's room and the other is used by Mum. So really, there's one T.V and Dad gets priority.

So really, it's easier for me to watch things online.

If only it was that simple. Yes, the ABC gives me online access to shows less than 12 hours after it airs in other countries but that's about it. The other channels are nowhere near as good at fast tracking- it took a full month for Nine to air Sherlock. And those are no help if the show I want to watch aired over a week ago. I can go hire them if they're in my video st-oh wait, no I can't. It closed down. And the one left has no where near as good a selection of T.V shows. And if I feel like watching a show at 2am? Well, too bad, you can't...

What am I saying? I want something like Netflix in Australia. I know it's not a perfect system but it might reduce piracy if access to T.V shows was that much easier. Pay a fee each month and you can watch all the movies and shows you want. It might take a month or so for new shows to get onto it but hey, if a year after it airs I want to watch it guess where I'll find it?.

And maybe I want companies to recognise the fact piracy happens because it's easier, easier than waiting for months and having to pay large amounts of money for hiring or buying shows ($75 a season for Doctor Who? FORGET IT). Piracy is hard work, you make doing it legally easy and people will do it legally.

Well, most people will do it legally.

Ladies and Double Standards (aka Fancy Ranting)

"Don't do that, it's not ladylike."

Seriously, this has been something I've been wondering for ages. What, exactly, is a lady?

Now I could prattle on about a lady being traditionally a woman of higher class, born into society. Women of the middle and upper classes in the 18th and 19th centuries are a very good image for a lady and they were expected to stay at home and raise their children- seen but not heard. But while I'm sure this influences the concept now, I'm not really interested in that. I'm curious as to what being a 'lady' is in a modern setting.

According to my parents, a lady seems to be a girl who does what her parents tell her; who always sits in a proper position; never makes rude noises or farts and always uses decent language. I cannot tell you how many times I've been told to not sit like that, it's not ladylike or to not swear because it's not ladylike. Not that I do swear a lot, but my brother, at the same age can drop a swear or two and it's written off as him being young. In fact, for a old time there I was critical of others swearing as they failed to live up to this standard I had been taught. There's a time and place you don't swear, I'll admit that, but neither should the well deserved fuck after a dropped phone be told off by a parent who wasn't meant to overhear that.

But anyway. That is not the point. The point is, a lady seems to me to be someone who isn't confrontational. Who doesn't do things outside the norm. Who doesn't make waves or do anything that might upset anyone. Who keeps her contrary opinions to herself

Someone who is seen and not heard?

Now, I wonder if you raise your daughter to be this lady, when is she going to speak up? When is she going to make her voice heard and protest things that she does not find correct? Or assert herself in a job interview like employers seem to want?

I don't think she is.

Maybe I'm taking this too far. Maybe being a lady is just not swearing and sitting in a correct position. But, why must I change my ways to be this lady? When the concept has already proved to have double standards in how it treats the matter of swearing...

Then I think I shall continue to answer "Don't do that, it's not ladylike." with "I'm no lady."